Mouses, Cookies, Killers, and Knifes

Hello people, I am back after I think four days. Now lets start with something to remind you about your childhood. Does anyone remember those stories about giving animals something. Like that one called "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie". I remember reading them when I was younger and how funny it was when the mouse would ask for something else. Now thinking about it, I'm still amused by it although not in the same way. Now I find it funny that it's so close to the actual world where we are animals personal slaves. The mouse keeps asking for something and the boy always gets it instead of saying "get the fucking thing yourself". That's what we would say to other people. It's the animals that we obey. I also find it kind of funny that the boy has more guts then most people. This boy isn't at all afraid of a talking mouse. Most people these days would freak out if they saw a mouse and run out of the house to buy mouse traps and that's not even a talking mouse. This is sometimes true for guys too. Come on guys, stop trying to be all macho we know some of you are also afraid of mice. Anyways, because of these stories, I have decided to make my own. However, mine will be a little less child friendly. I named mine "If You Give A Serial Killer A Knife". It goes like this.

If you give a serial killer a knife, he's going to ask for a victim.

When you get him a victim, he'll probably ask you for a chair and rope.

When he's done tying up his victim to the chair, he'll want some newspaper.

Then he will want to put the newspaper under the chair so he doesn't get blood on the floor.

When he does that, he'll probably notice the victim keeps screaming. So he'll ask you for a gag.

When he's done gagging his victim, he'll want a music player so he can sleep deprive his victim. He'll start sleep depriving his victim. He might get carried away and sleep deprive him for three days. He might even end up almost choking him to death as well.

When he's done, he'll probably want to humiliate his victim. You will have to find a dog costume for him with a leash and collar. He'll put it on his victim and make him do humiliating things for a few hours.

He'll probably ask you to tie up his victim. So you will while he gets the knife you gave him. When he looks at his victim tied up, he'll get so excited he'll want to cut of some of his victims fingers. He'll ask for a garbage to put them in.

He'll continue cutting off his fingers. When he's done, he'll want to finish his victim off.

Then after he stabs him in the chest a couple times, he'll want to bury the body. Which means he'll need a shovel.

He'll bury the body and stand back to look at the ground where the bodies buried. Looking at it will make him want to kill again so...he'll ask for another victim.

And chances are if he asks for another victim, he's going to want a new knife to go with it.

The End


Question Of The Day:

Can we move a mountain? If so how?

Lemonade, The Next Weapon

Today I am going to talk about something that has been bothering me for a while now. What's with the saying "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade". First of all why the fuck would life give you lemons. I'd be like "Are you shitting me. Couldn't you give me something a little more useful like, oh I don't know money!!! Then I could just go to the fucking store and buy lemonade instead of having to go through the trouble of making it myself.". And anyways, life didn't give you sugar now did it. From my experience lemonade without sugar is horrible. So I don't think making lemonade would be very good. However, I guess you could use the lemons on people. Say you have someone you don't like and you want to make their life a living hell. All you have to do is cut open a lemon and squirt the lemon juice in their eyes. Or I could use the really crappy lemonade I made and force feed it to my enemies....not that I have any I'm just saying I could. Or even better I could use that really crappy lemonade I'm supposed to make and poor it into the wounds (that I may or may not have caused) of my enemies. Again I'm not saying I having any enemies that I would like to kill by tying them up and torturing them by....I mean I don't have any enemies I don't even know what I would do to kill them if I did. Anyways, I think that would be a pretty good thing to do. We could even use it in war. Just get a giant bucket of lemon juice and pour it onto enemy soldiers who have wounds or into their eyes or both. Yeah and then we could make a gun that squirts lemon juice and some of them could go onto tanks. We could rule the world with this. We could have lemon juice bombs and when they explode lemon juice goes everywhere or we could just have planes that drop lemons down on people. I'm sure that would hurt. Why has no one thought of this yet. Ok, army if you ever use this idea I demand to have one of those guns so I can use it on the enemies I don't have. Oh, and also some lemon juice for ammo and some good lemonade. What, lemonade is good as long as you use sugar. Oh and I'd also like $10,000. What. It's my idea. They should pay me for it. Don't look at me that way. You're just jealous cause you didn't think of it.

Question Of The Day:

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? (If you don't know what a kamikaze pilot is, cause I have a feeling many of you won't know, it was a Japanese soldier who would attempt to fly their plane into enemy ships during World War 2.)

Roof Damage

I'm back after three days. I apologize for taking a day longer for this post I've just been having a tough time lately. I've been having insomnia since Saturday and my teachers are giving me to much homework. I'm actually supposed to be working on my damn civics essay right now but oh well. But enough of my complaining. Today I would like to talk about something I am very concerned about. Flex Seal. That's right. You know that commercial for the "rubber in a can". I have come to realize something very important while watching that commercial. During the commercial, at one point they demonstrate how resistant it is to extreme temperatures. To do this, they put a blow torch over it to show how resistant to heat it is and at another point they but it in what I'm guessing is dry ice to show how resistant to cold it is. This worries me deeply. Do houses now have to be resistant to extreme heat and cold. I hope not. I'll start with the fire. Have you ever lived in a house that had to be protected from fire. I mean really, if your house has to be built specifically so that your house doesn't catch on fire maybe you shouldn't live there. I could see your house being set on fire once because of arson or leaving the stove on or your Christmas tree catching fire but not being set on fire daily. What, do people live in places where it rains fire. Well for those idiots that do I suggest that you move to a safer place that rains water. But seriously I hope no ones roof would have to be able to endure fire and even if it did, I don't think flex seal would help much. I doubt flex seal would be able to cover your entire roof unless you live in a box. Any ways, you have other things to worry about. What if the fire that's raining down sets the side of your house, which is not protected by flex seal, on fire. Now the whole house is going to burn to the ground except the roof so when the house collapses you have a giant thing of rubber that falls on you. Although I hope you're not in your house while its on fire and you're in your car driving to a safe place. I guess the only good thing about having a giant piece of rubber crushing you is that while you're on the verge of passing out from the blood gushing out of the large wounds you acquired after the roof collapsed on you and having to inhale smoke from the fire that's still burning while you're waiting for people who may or may not come to rescue you is that you'll have that giant thing of rubber protecting you from the fire that's raining down and is probably burning the whole town down now, if there's any town left to burn. Now onto the dry ice. It's pretty much the same as fire except, well, cold. Does anyone know how cold dry ice is (why am i asking you idiot people that). Dry ice is -109.3 degrees fahrenheit. Basically that means it is extremely cold and you should not put your hand in a bucket of dry ice (they could have told me that sooner). Now that is something else that I hope no one has to endure. If anyone has however, I doubt they'll be able to tell me cause they're most likely dead. So basically the chances of living in a place that is -109.3 degrees fahrenheit is not possible. Is there even a place on earth that's that cold? But hey look, I taught you something. Now I feel like a teacher, I taught you something that you'll forget in about 30 seconds. Now I can check that off of things to do.

Question Of The Day:

Does anyone know what 555, 666, and 777 means. No seriously I just want to know and I'm to lazy to look it up.

Move Out Of My Way

So about a week ago while I was in the car with my dad(my dad was driving. I'm not allowed to drive because some people think that I would be a hazard to the other people on the road. Why would they think that?) these really slow people were walking across the street. Now when I say slow I mean really slow. I could have gotten out of the car, walk to an airport, buy a ticket and then while on the plane yell "BOMB!", been arrested, sent to jail, go to my hearing and be admitted to a mental institute, get out when I'm no longer considered a threat to myself or others, walk back to the car and they still would only be half way across the street. It was kinda funny though cause while  they were walking across the street they looked at us like "What the fuck do you want. We will walk across this street as slow as we want to." . Now, if I had been driving , you know what I would have done. That's right. I would have just run over their ass. Wouldn't we all love to do that. Maybe this is why I'm not allowed to drive. I'm not old enough to drive yet but now I think I know why I'm not allowed to drive. I can imagine it now.

Warning: Not for people who can't stand reading about blood and shit like that. You've been warned.

Are you sure you want to read it.

Are you absolutely sure you want to.

Well if your so sure how come your reading this little line instead of skipping this crap and heading straight for the story.

There's no turning back now


The wind blows through you've hair as you look at all the destruction on the ground. Trash cans litter the street with garbage. Street lamps have fallen and blocking off parts of the road. Cars are all around. Most with many dents in them and have been pushed to the side of the road. Bloodied bodies in some of the cars as well as on the road and side walk. It looks as if this once peaceful place had been hit by a tornado. You walk down the street, the smell of blood and smoke in the air. You reach an intersection with three possible ways you could go. You look straight ahead only to find that the street is deserted. Turning right you look down the street. It's also been deserted. You look to you're left when you see a huge chunk missing out of a building. You run over to it to find on the inside of the building a lot of bricks. It didn't look as if whatever hit the building went all the way through. Just hit it and probably backed up and resumed the massacre. You walk down the street. It looks exactly like the other street. You see a car that looks familiar. You run over and look in the window, well what used to have a window in it. Much to you horror, you see the body of your close friend. His body is bent forward into the steering wheel. You open the car door and try to push him back up against the seat. Once he stops slumping forward you look at him. His eyes are closed almost as if he was sleeping. There's blood all over his head and his once brown hair is now soaked with blood. Tears start forming in your eyes at the sight of your friend. You put your hand over his bloody chest. You don't feel his chest going up and down like it should when he's breathing. Tears start rolling down your cheeks. You feel his hand. It's cold. Now you start sobbing. You know he's dead. You know you can't do anything to help, you can't help him or anyone else. You feel helpless and stumble backwards in a state of shock. You feel a bit of survivor guilt. "Why must his life be taken. Why not mine." you whisper to yourself. The only thing you can think of doing is finding whatever caused this whole mess. You run down street after street looking for the culprit. Each street with the same carnage when suddenly, at the end of the road you see a car still running. The back tires hovering above the ground. A street light is under the car and against a building preventing it from moving. How the car got the street light under it will forever be a mystery. You cautiously walk over to the drivers side of the car. Looking into the window that's when you see the culprit.....me, the terror of the street.


Yeah, I know. Not that funny. It's more of a sad story. I didn't know I was capable of writing a sad story. Ok ok you're not happy with the sad story. I know you expected a funny story not a sad story. You're probably crying right now while you're reading this. Fine next time I promise I'll tell you a funny story. Now stop you're crying (I'm such a caring person aren't I).

Question Of The Day:

Did you like my story? Be honest. (If you say yes I won't come to your town when I get my license.)

We Are The Champions?

As the number of days till Borders was closing was getting closer and closer to zero, my dad decided to go one last time. Of course I had to go because it takes about an hour to get there and back and I would not pass up the chance to get to listen to the radio for an hour. When we got there I was bored to death looking at the same books I had seen about a week ago. But then a funny thing happened. For those of you who have been to Borders, you would know that they play music. They play really bad music, I would rather cut off my left foot with a piece of paper then listen to the music but anyways they play music. On that particular day they played We Are The Champions by Queen(which I kind of like). Is there anyone else out there that doesn't understand this. I mean really, your going out of business and that's when you decide to play it. That's like playing a death metal song at a funeral. I think they should have played something by Avenged Sevenfold or Slipknot. They could have played All Hope Is Gone by Slipknot since the hope that they won't go bankrupt is gone. That would be fucking awesome. You're in the store when all of a sudden you hear some sick drumming and while you start head banging to All Hope Is Gone everyone else in the store, except the people who have good taste in music, start looking around thinking "what the fuck is this awesome shit and why haven't I listened to it before". Yes that is what they would think because Slipknot is just that awesome. I'm getting off topic.....but you have to admit that would be awesome. So why do I think they played We Are The Champions you ask. What do you mean you didn't ask me? Oh that was the voices in my head that asked me. Well I'm gonna tell you anyways and you shall listen.....pretty please. I think that the guy who owns Barnes and Noble hacked into the computer system at Borders and made it so it would play that song. Why would he do that you ask(or was it the voices again). Because he wants to torment the person who owns Borders. You see, the person who owns Borders and the person who owns Barnes and Noble are actually brothers. A long time ago they were best friends and together owned the book store Barnes and Noble and Borders. But that once great friendship fell apart when they had a fight about a girl. Yes the very thing that causes most guys to fight. They both fell in love with this girl and after immense arguing they broke up the company. One brother taking Barnes and Noble and the other taking Borders. Both brothers vowed to make the other brother go bankrupt and now it looks like one of them has done it. What does he win now that he's defeated his brother, I don't know. What happened to the girl. Well, she was locked in a tower for ten days until....well that's another story I'll someday tell you. Now I'm off to save the world. Ok ok you caught me. I'm not going to save to world but just because that's a lie it doesn't mean this story is. Or is it?

Question Of The Day:

If you've ever heard of an earwig then you'd know that it's a bug that supposedly crawls into your ear while your sleeping. Now, if an EARwig crawls into your ear does that mean a cockroach crawls into a guys....

This question brought to you by Worlds Dumbest. There's some funny shit on there.

Story Time!

I'm back for my next post (to the horror of some people). Today I have a story for you guys. It's about a war because for whatever reason I felt like writing about war. I'm not sure if that's because I've been listening to the song Scream, Aim, Fire by Bullet For My Valentine or because of the game I've been playing. Oh well now everyone sit down in a circle and I'll start.

The Battle

It's coming, I can feel it. I look and sure enough I can see the shadow of a figure coming in my direction. I get my ammo ready and prepare the other soldiers for the long battle ahead. I look again and see that it's holding a flag. I wonder if its a peace flag, although I doubt it. I also see more shadows following the one with the flag. I count twenty of them. The first one, the closest, is the only one with a flag. Some of the followers have what looks like some sort of cone on there head and some seem to have a roundish thing on there head. It's hard to tell exactly what it is. Not many, but some look well built and running as if they were football players, some others that are running aren't as well built but have a long stick with them. Lastly, there are some with nothing at all. They get closer and closer to the line. Once they cross it they're on our territory and the battle will begin. They seem to be very slow which is good for us because it gives us more time to prepare. I look at my soldiers. The ones closest to the enemy form a wall of defense. All five up there ready to give up their life to protect us and give us more time to kill every enemy. The next closest are in blue. They have ammo that will freeze our enemies in their tracks. Next is where I stand. Me, in the middle with two guys on each side. I can shoot the most ammo, four at a time. The ones next to me can shoot two. Then behind me is a row of five guys who can each shoot one at a time. Every soldier on the field is ready for battle. The one with the flag finally crosses the line signaling the start of the battle. The one in blue in front of me, the one in green behind me, and I start shooting. Only us for now. The others will wait until the rest of our enemies cross the line. The first guy isn't that strong and we're able to defeat him before he reached our defense. Before I have time to stop shooting more of our enemies start to cross the line. Each line starts shooting at their selected target. Now I can see the enemies better. All of them are a sickly green color. The ones that are well built and running are the toughest to kill. Then, all of a sudden I see one of our enemies with the stick pole vault over our defense. There's three that do this. The good thing is that they aren't running anymore. "Must have hurt themselves jumping over." I think to myself. Out of the twenty there originally were, there's now about ten. Our defense is slowly crumbling. 3 out of 5 have a little wound. 1 out of 5 has a major wound and 1 out of 5 is gone. But we go on, taking down our enemies one at a time. Now we're down to five enemies, now four, now three, now two. Our final enemy collapses, his head falling off of the rest of his body. His arm is no longer attached to his body. It must have been shot off. After thinking for a couple seconds, it hits me. We won! Most of our soldiers go to tend to the wounded. My curiosity being to much, I ask one of them to check what the flag that the first enemy we took down once held. The soldier goes to check. He comes back and responds "It's a red flag with the picture of a brain on it."

You think you know what game this story is about. Leave it in the comments. The person who gets it right gets some candy.

Question of the Day:

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Pen vs Pencil

My sister has been writing in pen to do her homework. I don't understand this. Isn't it easier to write in pencil. "What if you make a mistake" I ask. To which she responds "i'll use white out". Sure she could use white out but to do that she'd have to get the white out, shake it, open it, white out the part she messed up on, wait for it to dry, and then write what she meant to put. Instead of going threw the hassle of doing that wouldn't it just be easier to use a pencil. Then all you have to do is turn the pencil over and erase whatever you messed up on. She says she uses a pen because she's to lazy to use a pencil. Maybe I'm just confused on what it means. Does lazy mean that you like to do the thing that takes the most time and energy? If so I have been using lazy incorrectly for years. Anyways, I have made a list of why each is better. It will be up to you readers(if there are any) to decide which is better. Pen or pencil.

Pen:
1. You can write in different colors
2. It's fun to play with the spring inside the pen
3. It's fun to annoy people by repeatedly clicking the thing that makes the pen come out
4. You can draw on peoples faces with pen

Pencil:
1. You can use the excuse "I have to sharpen my pencil." in school to get out of doing things
2. If you've done the thing above then your pencil is sharp and you can use it to stab people(trust me, you can. I still have pencil in my hand from where my sister stabbed me with a pencil and that was when I was 9)
3. Pencils have cool designs on them sometimes

And that's all that I could think of. If you have anything you would like to add, leave it in the comments.


Question of the day:

Why do we let stupid people have smart phones?

first post and signs

Hey everyone who's reading my blog(which i doubt will be any). This is Blog Asylum where all my insane blogs go. A little bit about me(although i doubt anyone cares). I'm a girl and I'm 15.  I will not tell you my name cause I don't trust you guys.  I hope to write funny blogs at least once a week although I don't expect many people to like it. I'm a very pesimistic person as you have probably noticed. For my first post I will tell you guys a story.

Signs

Ok, so as you may or may not know Borders is going out of business. If you don't know then you've probably never been to it so you probably don't know it's a book store which means you probably never read so I don't know why your reading this. If you have been to Borders but you don't know it's going out of business then you should crawl out from under your rock. Anyways, as I was saying Borders is going out of business and since my dad loves getting things at cheaper prices we went there. When we got there Borders stood out with the big yellow "we're going out of business" sign. As we went in things became very clear with the hundreds, and I'm not kidding there really was hundreds of going out of business signs. There were tons hanging from the ceiling, taped to the bookshelves, and on the walls. I have to wonder how much this costs. Is it buying all of these signs that cause Borders to go out of business? If so I can imagine how that went.

Assistant to Mr. Person who owns Borders: Sir, Borders is almost bankrupt. There's only a few thousand dollars left. What should we do?

Mr. Person who owns Borders: You know what we should do. We should spend the rest of the money to buy going out of business signs so that we go bankrupt instead of trying to save the company.

Assistant: Are you sure sir.

Mr. Person who owns Borders: Of course I'm sure.

Assistant: Ok sir. *leaves room*

Mr. Person who owns Borders: *evil laugh* Now my plan is Complete. *shape shifts into the person who owns Barnes and Noble* Now with Borders going bankrupt, everyone will shop at Barnes and Noble. We'll be the best book store in the world and everyone who isn't an idiot and can read will shop there. *looks under desk at the real person who owns Borders who is tied up and gagged* What are you gonna do now. *evil laugh*

Real Mr. Person who owns Borders: *muffled speaking*


And that's why I think Borders went out of business. Now all i have to do is convince the police this, although last time i ended up in a white room in a straight jacket.

On another note who the hell names a book store Barnes and Noble.


Before the end of this post and every other one I will have a question of the day. Todays question is:

Why is it called assistant?

You know why. I bet you don't. Well since I'm such a generous person I'll tell you. It's cause an assistant kisses ass a lot.