Merry Christmas

We had a surprise present on Saturday when our internet went out. So for 3 days I had no internet meaning no blog or xbox. Because I was not able to post what I had planned on Christmas we are going to pretend it's the 25th again. So merry Christmas, happy Hanukah, happy Kwanza, etc. I'm sure everyone knows about Santa Claus. The man who delivers gifts on Christmas. Well know that I'm older I've realized something about him. He's a very creepy man. Don't believe me? Think about it. He enslaves elves to work in the north pole making toys all day. That must be fucking freezing. It can be -43 degrees celsius in the north pole. They probably huddle together at night with the reindeer to keep warm. Then the reindeer. Poor Rudolph being discriminated against just because his nose lights up. How could santa let that happen. Then forcing them to fly around the world. I just hope they're being feed after being forced to fly around the world in one night and carrying the fat man. I can barely breath after going down the stairs. I need a medical team when I go up the stairs in case I pass out. Now with delivering the gifts. He's a fat man who climbs down chimneys. I've seen skinny people trying to go down chimneys and not be able to make it. How Santa does it I don't know. But if you asked the police I'm pretty sure they would consider that breaking and entering so since Santa does that every year to millions of houses he's gonna go to jail for a long time. Then while he's in your house he eats your cookies and drinks your milk. I'm sorry (no I'm not) but I would not make cookies for some guy that breaks into my house while I'm sleeping. If I'm making cookies for anyone (which would be a miracle for me to cook anything) I am going to be eating them. Anyways besides him being in your house he's also in your mall. Every mall has him visiting so the kids can sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas. How do kids not notice that. You'd think they'd be like "how is Santa in the same place at the same time?" but no. Now Santa has been around for a long time. The first sighting of him was in 1821 so he'll be celebrating his 200th birthday sometime in in 2021 which is only 10 years away. Basically for those of you who don't want to do the math he's 190 years old. So he's the oldest person alive but he can still climb down chimneys to eat a shit load of cookies. So I've just destroyed a lot of kids dreams about Santa so I'm going to go take a nap. But one last thing. Has anyone ever noticed that Santa is spelled very similar to satan? 

Question of the Day:

Where's the pony I wanted when I was 5 Santa? 

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's....iron man?

"Yay," I though to myself last night before I went to bed (although technically it was early in the morning when I went to sleep) "it's Tuesday so I have no classes today and I can sleep in." Which I did finally getting up at 3 pm. After getting up I played MW3 for about an hour until I remembered the homework I had. So my day of no school turned into having to do science homework, a math test, an english test, and review for the civics test and I still have more science to do and in english we're writing a short story that I still have to work on (I have two stories and I'm not sure which to use). Anyways I spent about an hour and a half doing homework on my day off (yes I have no school on Tuesdays and Thursdays haha). So now I'm taking a break. My day yesterday was interesting. After school (I also only have 4 hours of school on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday hahahaha) me and my mom had to bring one of our 5 cats to the vet. She hates the vet and being in a cage so we spent 10 minutes in the car hearing her meow the whole way there then we got there she no longer hated her cage and wanted to stay in it only to hear her meow for another 10 minutes on our way back. Then me and my dad went to the mall to meet my friend. My arm was almost ripped off when I told her what Ross put about Andy from Black Veil Brides on his blog Sarcasmic Music (run Ross run she's gonna kill you). Anyways aside from all the shit in my life, today I'm going to talk about a show I watch. It's called Iron Man Armored Adventures (yes I watch things like that). Now it's a good show but there's some things that perplex me. Like how he always watches the one building. You'd think that people would find it weird for some guy to watch a building all the time but no they just go on with their lives not a care in the world. Then when iron man is fighting another person in iron in the middle of a road it's completely normal. No one calls the police or are worried about it at all. And when a robot smashes into your building and causes a lot of damage no one cares or when your car looks like it's been sat on by a giant nothing happens. Then there's the brat Justin Hammer. The girl that works for him should quit. If a 20 something year old brat almost kills me with a laser gun thing I would not be working for him anymore. Then when he gets blasted of to space he doesn't do anything. You'd think he's be like "maybe I should move out of the way so I don't get blasted off into space" but no he just stands there. I wish people on COD would be like that. It would make the throwing knife much easier to use. There's that other criminal named Unicorn. What the fuck man. Seriously unicorn, that's the best you could come up with. If I was fighting someone named unicorn I would not be scared at all. Remember criminals when picking a name for yourself pick ones that are going to strike fear into your foes not a name that's going to make people think that you want to finish the fight soon so you can get to the shoe sale on time. So that's the end of my complaining but one last thing. People in iron armor bounce. 

Question of the Day:

What if you get two fortune cookies that contradict each other? 

School

School is a glorious place filled with happiness. False. School is hell with fluorescent lighting. True. As you can see I hate school. But doesn't everyone. Who wants to go to a place that you have to go to for 8 hours to learn things you don't care about and then get home and have to go over everything you just learned for 2 hours. Anyone that does like it is crazy. Let's go over what I'm learning right now to see how useless it is. In math I'm learning triangle congruence by ASA and AAS. Who the fuck cares if two triangles are congruent. I sure as hell don't. In civics we had a review game today for a test. My team won but we get nothing for winning. In science we're learning about mole. No, by mole I do mean the animal or the thing on peoples faces. This mole is an amount of a substance that contains approximately 6.02 times 10 to the power of 23 particles of that substance. Confused? Me too but the part that confuses me the most is the abbreviation for mole. The abbreviation is mol. Yes they abbreviated a four letter word into a three letter word. How lazy are people that they don't feel like putting an e at the end of mole. I mean really. I know that l is on one side of the key board and e is all the way on the other side but come on. It's not that hard to type an e. Look, I just did it. This is the reason that America is fat. We're to lazy to type an e but not to lazy to drive to McDonalds to get a big mac. This is why I hate school On the bright side I do like english. I learn more useless shit but at least I get to read a good story. The story this week was called 'Lamb to the Slaughter' by Roald Dahl. It's about a woman who loves her police man husband and is 6 months pregnant. He comes home and is acting strange and then tells her something (we never find out what it is he tells her but we're guessing he was leaving her possible because of an affair). At first she denies it and tries to pretend every things ok and gets a leg of lamb to cook for dinner. She gets the lamb and goes into the room where he tells her he's going out. She becomes mad and hits him over the head with the lamb. He dies and because she has a baby and doesn't want anything to happen to it she makes a plan. She starts cooking the lamb and heads out to the grocery store acting as if nothings wrong. She acts like a caring wife getting food for her husband. She goes back home and finds him dead and calls the police who come. After talking to the guy at the grocery store who was helping the woman they suspect nothing. She offers them a drink and later food saying that her husband would not have liked her to not offer them anything after all there hard work and tells them there's lamb that should be done in the kitchen. They comply and eat the food thus destroying the only evidence they had. It's a very good story. Anyways I have a little test for everyone. See how many of them you can get right. Even if you're an adult you can take it and see how much stuff you learned in school that you don't need later in life.

Each question is worth 1 point. No cheating

Math
1. 2x + 5 times 7 = 89 what does x equal
2. what is the area of a triangle with a base of 8 inches and height of 10 inches
3. find the hypotenuse of a triangle with two sides that both have a length of 4 inches

English
1. what is third-person-limited point of view
2. give the definition of the underlined word. The calamity caused by contagion was not stopped in the dominion because the king who ruled during the reign did not endeavor to save the people and he later atoned his wrongdoings.
3. In Romeo and Juliet what type of irony is used when Romeo believes Juliet is dead but we know she is not.

Science
1. what are these elements Ag, Pd, S, Li, and Hg
2. what is Newton's first law of motion
3. what is malleability

Social Studies
1. who fought in the French and Indian war
2.  what is capital punishment
3. what year was the Constitution written

Language
1. what does the spanish word "campo de juegos" mean
2. what does the french word "avion" mean
3. what does the german word "katze" mean


answers

math
1. x = 6
2. 40 square inches
3. 8 inches

english
1. when the story is told by an outside observer, who frequently refers to the characters with third-person pronouns.
2. to make amends for something a person did wrong
3. dramatic irony

science
1. Ag - silver, Pd - palladium, S - sulfur, Li - lithium, Hg - mercury
2. the state of motion of an object does not change as long as the net force acting on the object is zero
3. the ability of a solid to be hammered without shattering

Social Studies
1. the French against Britain
2. the death penalty
3. 1787

language
1. playground
2. plane
3. cat

Question of the Day:
How well did you do on the test?

Accident

Right now I'm in my friends bedroom (I kicked her out of it) writing this. She's impatient and wanted me to post now. So it's story time again. This story is also about "cars".

It was a long day driving in madness. Weaving in and out between everyone. Some people were on the phone or texting. People were yelling at each other when they were hit. One older guy even gave me the finger when I hit him. Then I heard a horrendous sound. The sound of glass shattering and wheels screeching as metal clashed against metal. I heard a woman scream. My curiosity got the better of me and I was soon at the accident along with a lot of other people. I ran over to a woman on the ground. She wasn't moving but she did have a pulse so she was just unconscious. "Someone call an ambulance" I heard someone yell out. Then I heard the cry of a kid. It was barely noticeable. His cry being drowned out by all the commotion. I looked over to see a kid on the ground with glass in his feet. "Someone get the kid" I yelled while pointing towards him. A man probably in his early 40s ran over and picked the kid up attempting to comfort him. I heard the sound of an ambulance. The sound got closer and closer. Then I heard the sound of people screaming to get out of their way. I went to the side allowing the ambulance crew to get to the injured people. One of the guys went over to the unconscious woman and checked her pulse. He then proceeded to call another guy over to help get her onto a stretcher. I followed the guy with the kid and watched as he gave the kid to a paramedic who then placed him in the ambulance. The other man who was in the accident walked into the ambulance. He didn't seem to have any injuries except that he was crying and repeatedly saying "it's all my fault" and "I can't believe this happened". I watched as the doors closed and the ambulance drove off. I started to walk back to the accident. I looked at the floor that was littered with glass and olives. I went to my cart and said out loud "just another day at a crowded grocery store". Hey!. Watch where you're going!" a woman yelled at me when I hit her cart.

Question of the Day:

When we're in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so why do we say "it's all right"? Well it isn't all right so why don't we say "watch where you're going you jackass"?

Bumper Stickers

It seems I've been away from here for to long. The problem is I've been addicted to a game and it leaves little time for other things. That and school work. Well I'm back now (to the displeasure of many). So I have been getting out of the house lately and driven to places (being 15 sucks cause I can't drive). However since I'm not driving and I don't have to pay attention to the road I can pay attention to other things. One of the things I've noticed is bumper stickers. Lots of people have bumper stickers on their cars. Many of these bumper stickers annoy me (although lots of things annoy me so that's not a surprise). For example that one bumper sticker that says Baby On Board. I've looked it up on and it says to use it so that people are extra cautious around your car. I'm sorry (lying) but putting a sticker on your car will not make people extra cautious. If you don't want your kid to be hurt then don't drive with them in the car or if you really want to protect them put them in plastic bubble that's cushioned on the inside. If you do that just remember that won't stop them from hurting themselves or resenting you for it. Anyways I decided to look up more bumper stickers and make fun of them on here and yes all of them are real and you can get them for your car. Just look it up if you don't believe me.

Wheel + phone = wreck - Yeah and wheel + trying to read bumper sticker = wreck

Put the phone down and nobody gets hurt - Actually people can still get hurt. They could be murdered or in a fire or have a tree fall on them or....well I think you get the point.

Justice, not vengeance - But they're pretty much the same thing. Say it's justice just makes it sound legal.

We are the people our parents warned us about - The cops must love that one.

Now my little voices are texting me - No I think the person texting you is your therapist.

I'm so fucking happy I could shit rainbows - You should probably see a doctor about that.

National Sarcasm Society. Like we need your support - I wanna join! See I can be sarcastic.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult - It doesn't help to have a bumper sticker that says you're in disguise. It kind of gives it away.

Warning! Mess with my beer cooler and I will shoot your ass - He's obviously not an alcoholic.

Don't panic - Ok two things about this one. First, what are we panicking about? Second, telling people not to panic always helps. (More sarcasm. I'm so getting into that society.)

What part of y'all don't you understand? - you

Fish fear me - Fish are very timid creatures. Them being afraid of you isn't a very big accomplishment.

I'm not wearing any pants! - I'm just gonna believe you on that one. You don't have to show me. This is also one that when guys see it they hope it's a girl driving the car.

My other car got stolen so now I'm driving this crap - You know some people have to be driven everywhere cause they can't even afford that bumper sticker. I'm not talking about me though (I'm such a liar).

Do NOT wash. This vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test - Are you also undergoing that test?

I'm the quiet neighbor with the big freeze - This screams "I'm a serial killer".

Ask me - Ask you what!? Wait is that what I'm supposed to ask? Or is that it? I'm so confused.

Gone fishing - Then who's driving?

I'm not INSANE my mother had me tested - I think the test results were wrong.

I am immune to your sarcasm - Oh good one.


Out of all of them I have found two bumper stickers that I would get. One says "Come to the dark side we have cookies" and the other says "Have a nice day" and it has a dude giving the finger.


Question Of The Day:
Seriously, what am I supposed to ask!?!

Costumes

Well Halloween is coming up in 5 days. As I said in my last post I am going trick or treating. I will not repeat what I am going as so you'll have to go back to that post if you care enough. Anyways I'm 15 so I am a teenager and I'm going and I know a lot of teenagers don't go cause it's not cool or they just think they're to old. I don't understand what the problem is. No one's to old for FREE candy. I understand that some people just don't feel like getting a costume and having to pay for it so I have thought of 4 costumes that people can easily get for little or no money.

1. Girl or Boy
No I don't mean go as the opposite gender. That would cost money. What you do with this is go as the gender you are. For example, if you're a girl just put on whatever clothes you would normally wear put on whatever make up and jewlery and whatever else you put on that takes 2 hours to do. When you're finally done putting it on your costume is finished. Yup that's it and you just go trick or treating like that. If you're a guy just do the same. I mean not with girl clothes but with your own clothes. Just wanted to make sure your guy brains understood. So you just go out as you normally would for Halloween and when people ask you what you're going as just say "I'm a girl/guy". What's funny is that people might get really confused because your 'costume' looks a lot like that girl/guy that lives in the neighborhood.

2. Box
All you have to do with this is get a big box that's large enough for you to fit in. Cut out a hole on the top, two on the bottom, and one on each side. Open the top of the box and get it. Put your feet through the two holes at the bottom and your arms through each side. Then have someone close the box and stick your head though that. Now your a box. A good thing about being a box for Halloween is you can scare people. All you have to do is go to a door. Take you legs out of the bottom so the box doesn't look like it has legs. Then ring the doorbell and hide in the box. When someone comes out and wonders why there's a box outside pop out. Just make sure you pick the right person to scare. Don't pick the person in the neighborhood who is really tough cause then all your gonna do is end up with a black eye or some kind of wound. I can not be held responsibly for any injuries you sustain while scaring people.

3. Bag Man/Woman
For this just get 3 paper bags and two plastic bags. Take one of the paper bags and cut two eye holes in it and if you feel like it a mouth hole. Put that on your head. Then take the two other paper bags and put your feet in them. You should tie them to your feet to make sure they stay. Then with the two plastic bags put them on your hands. You can hold them if you'd like. The good thing about this one is that you can use all the bags to hold your candy. Just make sure you don't put a plastic bag over your head instead of a paper bag.

4. Pumpkin Head
This one is the easiest since most of the work is done for you. A lot of people love getting a pumpkin and carving it and then putting it outside. Well there's nothing out there that says you can't take one. Just go look at the pumpkins one by one and when you find one you really like take it. It could be anything, a face, a cat, a monster, witch, whatever you like. Then cut the bottom of the pumpkin making a big enough hole to fit your head and there you go. You're a pumpkin head. The nice one about this is that no one will have the same design as you so you and all your friends could go as Pumpkin head and each one would have a different design.

So there you go. Four costumes that are easy and cost nothing.

Question of the Day:
What's your costume for Halloween. If you pick mine I'll send you a free piece of candy of your choice (will take a minimum of 100 years until you receive it)

Punishment

Warning: This was made by a person who had been having insomnia for about a month. You have been warned.

I'm back! Wow I can almost hear all the crickets as you guys don't care. Well, I would like to thank all the people that answered the question of the day from my last post. In case you haven't already figured it out there was no one so since I have such loving fans I have decided to tell (bore) you guys with what I've done the past week or two I've been gone. Well I've been having insomnia for about a month now which is why this is being posted at 4 this morning. I've also been terrorized by my new kitten. Her name is Ash and she "loves" me. I now have scratches on my foot from where she decided to try and climb onto it an after she fell decided that she would claw my foot. She has also been attempting to eat my hand. Every once in a while she decided to start licking my hand and when she is done with that she starts sucking and biting my thumb. She also licks my face so now I'm worried that I may wake up one day to find the flesh on my face missing or my thumb or entire hand.  I also got the new Five Finger Death Punch album American Capitalist which is awesome. I have fallen in love with the song "Under and Over It" especially the one line "Did you hear the one about me playing the game. Selling my soul and changing my name. Did you hear the one about me being a prick. Did you know that I don't care and you can suck my. Did you hear the one about me trying to die. Fist in the air and a finger to the sky. Do I care if you hate me. Do you want to know the truth. C'est la vie, adios, good riddance, fuck you". I'm looking forward to Disturbed new b-side album The Lost Children which will be out November 8th. Let's think what else can I tell you. Play-doh is still fun to play with even when your 15 but you still should not eat it. I'm very confused by something I saw at a store. They had a jar of what they called "party peanuts". I don't understand what that means. Does it mean that the peanuts wear little party hats and have a banner that says some party thing when you open it. Maybe they have that little toy thing that you twirl around on a stick and makes a very annoying noise. They could also have streamers and confetti that pops out whenever you open it. Or by "party peanuts" do they mean that they are peanuts that are only allowed to be brought to parties. Like if you get pulled over by the cops and they find a jar of opened party peanuts on the seat and there's no party going on they'll arrest you. I kind of hope it's the first thing but at the same time it would be funny if it was the later of the two. Oh well. Halloween is soon. I don't understand why people my age don't go as much. I mean really it's free candy. But whatever the less that go the more candy I get. I'm going as a cereal killer this year and no, I do not mean serial killer. I will stop boring you guys and try to get some sleep now. Don't worry I won't be gone as long this time. I'm working on a special Halloween themed story for you guys. Until then all of you should work on something very important to me. STOP MUFFIN CRUELTY. Think about how you would feel if you were a muffin. You're just given life and then eaten by some ungrateful brat.

Question of the Day:
Since I'm punishing you guys for not answering the last one you guys get none this time. Feel free to answer last posts question.

Math Poem

Sorry I've been gone for a while. I can't think of anything to write. Today I have some interesting things. Me and my family went to a German festival and I got a dragon balloon. Yes a balloon. I have a childs mind and an idiots brain. That means I would be good to video tape and send to one of those funny shows. Any ways it was cool at the festival. You can use cool in both ways there. By that I mean you can interpret it as cool like it's nice or cool as in it's cold. If that doesn't help explain it well then you should go back to kindergarden. Besides the German festival I had a kind of fun thing to do in geometry. We had to do a poem for extra credit. I needed the extra credit so I had to do it. I came up with a stupid poem so I'm going to share it with you.

One plus one equals two.
Yes I know it's true.
A cone has a point at the end.
It's solid so it won't bend.
A cube is made up of squares.
It's not human so it doesn't have any hairs.
The origin of this poem is my brain.
The inside of it is insane.
We're getting off topic here.
I think this is enough for your ear.
Look, I didn't even shed a tear.
Now you can all cheer.

Yeah I don't know how I can up with it either. I'm gonna go and try and think of something to write now.

Question of The Day:

I'm going to give you people that are reading this a chance to read a story about what you want so I want you guys to pick a topic, any topic, and I will write a story about it. Well almost any topic, it depends on what you guys come up with. Yeah so now I'm the best blogger in the world letting you lucky people choose a topic. I'm so nice (this isn't just because I can't think of anything to write about). Wait this isn't really in question form. Ok, what do you guys want me to write about? There happy.

Mouses, Cookies, Killers, and Knifes

Hello people, I am back after I think four days. Now lets start with something to remind you about your childhood. Does anyone remember those stories about giving animals something. Like that one called "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie". I remember reading them when I was younger and how funny it was when the mouse would ask for something else. Now thinking about it, I'm still amused by it although not in the same way. Now I find it funny that it's so close to the actual world where we are animals personal slaves. The mouse keeps asking for something and the boy always gets it instead of saying "get the fucking thing yourself". That's what we would say to other people. It's the animals that we obey. I also find it kind of funny that the boy has more guts then most people. This boy isn't at all afraid of a talking mouse. Most people these days would freak out if they saw a mouse and run out of the house to buy mouse traps and that's not even a talking mouse. This is sometimes true for guys too. Come on guys, stop trying to be all macho we know some of you are also afraid of mice. Anyways, because of these stories, I have decided to make my own. However, mine will be a little less child friendly. I named mine "If You Give A Serial Killer A Knife". It goes like this.

If you give a serial killer a knife, he's going to ask for a victim.

When you get him a victim, he'll probably ask you for a chair and rope.

When he's done tying up his victim to the chair, he'll want some newspaper.

Then he will want to put the newspaper under the chair so he doesn't get blood on the floor.

When he does that, he'll probably notice the victim keeps screaming. So he'll ask you for a gag.

When he's done gagging his victim, he'll want a music player so he can sleep deprive his victim. He'll start sleep depriving his victim. He might get carried away and sleep deprive him for three days. He might even end up almost choking him to death as well.

When he's done, he'll probably want to humiliate his victim. You will have to find a dog costume for him with a leash and collar. He'll put it on his victim and make him do humiliating things for a few hours.

He'll probably ask you to tie up his victim. So you will while he gets the knife you gave him. When he looks at his victim tied up, he'll get so excited he'll want to cut of some of his victims fingers. He'll ask for a garbage to put them in.

He'll continue cutting off his fingers. When he's done, he'll want to finish his victim off.

Then after he stabs him in the chest a couple times, he'll want to bury the body. Which means he'll need a shovel.

He'll bury the body and stand back to look at the ground where the bodies buried. Looking at it will make him want to kill again so...he'll ask for another victim.

And chances are if he asks for another victim, he's going to want a new knife to go with it.

The End


Question Of The Day:

Can we move a mountain? If so how?

Lemonade, The Next Weapon

Today I am going to talk about something that has been bothering me for a while now. What's with the saying "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade". First of all why the fuck would life give you lemons. I'd be like "Are you shitting me. Couldn't you give me something a little more useful like, oh I don't know money!!! Then I could just go to the fucking store and buy lemonade instead of having to go through the trouble of making it myself.". And anyways, life didn't give you sugar now did it. From my experience lemonade without sugar is horrible. So I don't think making lemonade would be very good. However, I guess you could use the lemons on people. Say you have someone you don't like and you want to make their life a living hell. All you have to do is cut open a lemon and squirt the lemon juice in their eyes. Or I could use the really crappy lemonade I made and force feed it to my enemies....not that I have any I'm just saying I could. Or even better I could use that really crappy lemonade I'm supposed to make and poor it into the wounds (that I may or may not have caused) of my enemies. Again I'm not saying I having any enemies that I would like to kill by tying them up and torturing them by....I mean I don't have any enemies I don't even know what I would do to kill them if I did. Anyways, I think that would be a pretty good thing to do. We could even use it in war. Just get a giant bucket of lemon juice and pour it onto enemy soldiers who have wounds or into their eyes or both. Yeah and then we could make a gun that squirts lemon juice and some of them could go onto tanks. We could rule the world with this. We could have lemon juice bombs and when they explode lemon juice goes everywhere or we could just have planes that drop lemons down on people. I'm sure that would hurt. Why has no one thought of this yet. Ok, army if you ever use this idea I demand to have one of those guns so I can use it on the enemies I don't have. Oh, and also some lemon juice for ammo and some good lemonade. What, lemonade is good as long as you use sugar. Oh and I'd also like $10,000. What. It's my idea. They should pay me for it. Don't look at me that way. You're just jealous cause you didn't think of it.

Question Of The Day:

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? (If you don't know what a kamikaze pilot is, cause I have a feeling many of you won't know, it was a Japanese soldier who would attempt to fly their plane into enemy ships during World War 2.)

Roof Damage

I'm back after three days. I apologize for taking a day longer for this post I've just been having a tough time lately. I've been having insomnia since Saturday and my teachers are giving me to much homework. I'm actually supposed to be working on my damn civics essay right now but oh well. But enough of my complaining. Today I would like to talk about something I am very concerned about. Flex Seal. That's right. You know that commercial for the "rubber in a can". I have come to realize something very important while watching that commercial. During the commercial, at one point they demonstrate how resistant it is to extreme temperatures. To do this, they put a blow torch over it to show how resistant to heat it is and at another point they but it in what I'm guessing is dry ice to show how resistant to cold it is. This worries me deeply. Do houses now have to be resistant to extreme heat and cold. I hope not. I'll start with the fire. Have you ever lived in a house that had to be protected from fire. I mean really, if your house has to be built specifically so that your house doesn't catch on fire maybe you shouldn't live there. I could see your house being set on fire once because of arson or leaving the stove on or your Christmas tree catching fire but not being set on fire daily. What, do people live in places where it rains fire. Well for those idiots that do I suggest that you move to a safer place that rains water. But seriously I hope no ones roof would have to be able to endure fire and even if it did, I don't think flex seal would help much. I doubt flex seal would be able to cover your entire roof unless you live in a box. Any ways, you have other things to worry about. What if the fire that's raining down sets the side of your house, which is not protected by flex seal, on fire. Now the whole house is going to burn to the ground except the roof so when the house collapses you have a giant thing of rubber that falls on you. Although I hope you're not in your house while its on fire and you're in your car driving to a safe place. I guess the only good thing about having a giant piece of rubber crushing you is that while you're on the verge of passing out from the blood gushing out of the large wounds you acquired after the roof collapsed on you and having to inhale smoke from the fire that's still burning while you're waiting for people who may or may not come to rescue you is that you'll have that giant thing of rubber protecting you from the fire that's raining down and is probably burning the whole town down now, if there's any town left to burn. Now onto the dry ice. It's pretty much the same as fire except, well, cold. Does anyone know how cold dry ice is (why am i asking you idiot people that). Dry ice is -109.3 degrees fahrenheit. Basically that means it is extremely cold and you should not put your hand in a bucket of dry ice (they could have told me that sooner). Now that is something else that I hope no one has to endure. If anyone has however, I doubt they'll be able to tell me cause they're most likely dead. So basically the chances of living in a place that is -109.3 degrees fahrenheit is not possible. Is there even a place on earth that's that cold? But hey look, I taught you something. Now I feel like a teacher, I taught you something that you'll forget in about 30 seconds. Now I can check that off of things to do.

Question Of The Day:

Does anyone know what 555, 666, and 777 means. No seriously I just want to know and I'm to lazy to look it up.

Move Out Of My Way

So about a week ago while I was in the car with my dad(my dad was driving. I'm not allowed to drive because some people think that I would be a hazard to the other people on the road. Why would they think that?) these really slow people were walking across the street. Now when I say slow I mean really slow. I could have gotten out of the car, walk to an airport, buy a ticket and then while on the plane yell "BOMB!", been arrested, sent to jail, go to my hearing and be admitted to a mental institute, get out when I'm no longer considered a threat to myself or others, walk back to the car and they still would only be half way across the street. It was kinda funny though cause while  they were walking across the street they looked at us like "What the fuck do you want. We will walk across this street as slow as we want to." . Now, if I had been driving , you know what I would have done. That's right. I would have just run over their ass. Wouldn't we all love to do that. Maybe this is why I'm not allowed to drive. I'm not old enough to drive yet but now I think I know why I'm not allowed to drive. I can imagine it now.

Warning: Not for people who can't stand reading about blood and shit like that. You've been warned.

Are you sure you want to read it.

Are you absolutely sure you want to.

Well if your so sure how come your reading this little line instead of skipping this crap and heading straight for the story.

There's no turning back now


The wind blows through you've hair as you look at all the destruction on the ground. Trash cans litter the street with garbage. Street lamps have fallen and blocking off parts of the road. Cars are all around. Most with many dents in them and have been pushed to the side of the road. Bloodied bodies in some of the cars as well as on the road and side walk. It looks as if this once peaceful place had been hit by a tornado. You walk down the street, the smell of blood and smoke in the air. You reach an intersection with three possible ways you could go. You look straight ahead only to find that the street is deserted. Turning right you look down the street. It's also been deserted. You look to you're left when you see a huge chunk missing out of a building. You run over to it to find on the inside of the building a lot of bricks. It didn't look as if whatever hit the building went all the way through. Just hit it and probably backed up and resumed the massacre. You walk down the street. It looks exactly like the other street. You see a car that looks familiar. You run over and look in the window, well what used to have a window in it. Much to you horror, you see the body of your close friend. His body is bent forward into the steering wheel. You open the car door and try to push him back up against the seat. Once he stops slumping forward you look at him. His eyes are closed almost as if he was sleeping. There's blood all over his head and his once brown hair is now soaked with blood. Tears start forming in your eyes at the sight of your friend. You put your hand over his bloody chest. You don't feel his chest going up and down like it should when he's breathing. Tears start rolling down your cheeks. You feel his hand. It's cold. Now you start sobbing. You know he's dead. You know you can't do anything to help, you can't help him or anyone else. You feel helpless and stumble backwards in a state of shock. You feel a bit of survivor guilt. "Why must his life be taken. Why not mine." you whisper to yourself. The only thing you can think of doing is finding whatever caused this whole mess. You run down street after street looking for the culprit. Each street with the same carnage when suddenly, at the end of the road you see a car still running. The back tires hovering above the ground. A street light is under the car and against a building preventing it from moving. How the car got the street light under it will forever be a mystery. You cautiously walk over to the drivers side of the car. Looking into the window that's when you see the culprit.....me, the terror of the street.


Yeah, I know. Not that funny. It's more of a sad story. I didn't know I was capable of writing a sad story. Ok ok you're not happy with the sad story. I know you expected a funny story not a sad story. You're probably crying right now while you're reading this. Fine next time I promise I'll tell you a funny story. Now stop you're crying (I'm such a caring person aren't I).

Question Of The Day:

Did you like my story? Be honest. (If you say yes I won't come to your town when I get my license.)

We Are The Champions?

As the number of days till Borders was closing was getting closer and closer to zero, my dad decided to go one last time. Of course I had to go because it takes about an hour to get there and back and I would not pass up the chance to get to listen to the radio for an hour. When we got there I was bored to death looking at the same books I had seen about a week ago. But then a funny thing happened. For those of you who have been to Borders, you would know that they play music. They play really bad music, I would rather cut off my left foot with a piece of paper then listen to the music but anyways they play music. On that particular day they played We Are The Champions by Queen(which I kind of like). Is there anyone else out there that doesn't understand this. I mean really, your going out of business and that's when you decide to play it. That's like playing a death metal song at a funeral. I think they should have played something by Avenged Sevenfold or Slipknot. They could have played All Hope Is Gone by Slipknot since the hope that they won't go bankrupt is gone. That would be fucking awesome. You're in the store when all of a sudden you hear some sick drumming and while you start head banging to All Hope Is Gone everyone else in the store, except the people who have good taste in music, start looking around thinking "what the fuck is this awesome shit and why haven't I listened to it before". Yes that is what they would think because Slipknot is just that awesome. I'm getting off topic.....but you have to admit that would be awesome. So why do I think they played We Are The Champions you ask. What do you mean you didn't ask me? Oh that was the voices in my head that asked me. Well I'm gonna tell you anyways and you shall listen.....pretty please. I think that the guy who owns Barnes and Noble hacked into the computer system at Borders and made it so it would play that song. Why would he do that you ask(or was it the voices again). Because he wants to torment the person who owns Borders. You see, the person who owns Borders and the person who owns Barnes and Noble are actually brothers. A long time ago they were best friends and together owned the book store Barnes and Noble and Borders. But that once great friendship fell apart when they had a fight about a girl. Yes the very thing that causes most guys to fight. They both fell in love with this girl and after immense arguing they broke up the company. One brother taking Barnes and Noble and the other taking Borders. Both brothers vowed to make the other brother go bankrupt and now it looks like one of them has done it. What does he win now that he's defeated his brother, I don't know. What happened to the girl. Well, she was locked in a tower for ten days until....well that's another story I'll someday tell you. Now I'm off to save the world. Ok ok you caught me. I'm not going to save to world but just because that's a lie it doesn't mean this story is. Or is it?

Question Of The Day:

If you've ever heard of an earwig then you'd know that it's a bug that supposedly crawls into your ear while your sleeping. Now, if an EARwig crawls into your ear does that mean a cockroach crawls into a guys....

This question brought to you by Worlds Dumbest. There's some funny shit on there.

Story Time!

I'm back for my next post (to the horror of some people). Today I have a story for you guys. It's about a war because for whatever reason I felt like writing about war. I'm not sure if that's because I've been listening to the song Scream, Aim, Fire by Bullet For My Valentine or because of the game I've been playing. Oh well now everyone sit down in a circle and I'll start.

The Battle

It's coming, I can feel it. I look and sure enough I can see the shadow of a figure coming in my direction. I get my ammo ready and prepare the other soldiers for the long battle ahead. I look again and see that it's holding a flag. I wonder if its a peace flag, although I doubt it. I also see more shadows following the one with the flag. I count twenty of them. The first one, the closest, is the only one with a flag. Some of the followers have what looks like some sort of cone on there head and some seem to have a roundish thing on there head. It's hard to tell exactly what it is. Not many, but some look well built and running as if they were football players, some others that are running aren't as well built but have a long stick with them. Lastly, there are some with nothing at all. They get closer and closer to the line. Once they cross it they're on our territory and the battle will begin. They seem to be very slow which is good for us because it gives us more time to prepare. I look at my soldiers. The ones closest to the enemy form a wall of defense. All five up there ready to give up their life to protect us and give us more time to kill every enemy. The next closest are in blue. They have ammo that will freeze our enemies in their tracks. Next is where I stand. Me, in the middle with two guys on each side. I can shoot the most ammo, four at a time. The ones next to me can shoot two. Then behind me is a row of five guys who can each shoot one at a time. Every soldier on the field is ready for battle. The one with the flag finally crosses the line signaling the start of the battle. The one in blue in front of me, the one in green behind me, and I start shooting. Only us for now. The others will wait until the rest of our enemies cross the line. The first guy isn't that strong and we're able to defeat him before he reached our defense. Before I have time to stop shooting more of our enemies start to cross the line. Each line starts shooting at their selected target. Now I can see the enemies better. All of them are a sickly green color. The ones that are well built and running are the toughest to kill. Then, all of a sudden I see one of our enemies with the stick pole vault over our defense. There's three that do this. The good thing is that they aren't running anymore. "Must have hurt themselves jumping over." I think to myself. Out of the twenty there originally were, there's now about ten. Our defense is slowly crumbling. 3 out of 5 have a little wound. 1 out of 5 has a major wound and 1 out of 5 is gone. But we go on, taking down our enemies one at a time. Now we're down to five enemies, now four, now three, now two. Our final enemy collapses, his head falling off of the rest of his body. His arm is no longer attached to his body. It must have been shot off. After thinking for a couple seconds, it hits me. We won! Most of our soldiers go to tend to the wounded. My curiosity being to much, I ask one of them to check what the flag that the first enemy we took down once held. The soldier goes to check. He comes back and responds "It's a red flag with the picture of a brain on it."

You think you know what game this story is about. Leave it in the comments. The person who gets it right gets some candy.

Question of the Day:

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Pen vs Pencil

My sister has been writing in pen to do her homework. I don't understand this. Isn't it easier to write in pencil. "What if you make a mistake" I ask. To which she responds "i'll use white out". Sure she could use white out but to do that she'd have to get the white out, shake it, open it, white out the part she messed up on, wait for it to dry, and then write what she meant to put. Instead of going threw the hassle of doing that wouldn't it just be easier to use a pencil. Then all you have to do is turn the pencil over and erase whatever you messed up on. She says she uses a pen because she's to lazy to use a pencil. Maybe I'm just confused on what it means. Does lazy mean that you like to do the thing that takes the most time and energy? If so I have been using lazy incorrectly for years. Anyways, I have made a list of why each is better. It will be up to you readers(if there are any) to decide which is better. Pen or pencil.

Pen:
1. You can write in different colors
2. It's fun to play with the spring inside the pen
3. It's fun to annoy people by repeatedly clicking the thing that makes the pen come out
4. You can draw on peoples faces with pen

Pencil:
1. You can use the excuse "I have to sharpen my pencil." in school to get out of doing things
2. If you've done the thing above then your pencil is sharp and you can use it to stab people(trust me, you can. I still have pencil in my hand from where my sister stabbed me with a pencil and that was when I was 9)
3. Pencils have cool designs on them sometimes

And that's all that I could think of. If you have anything you would like to add, leave it in the comments.


Question of the day:

Why do we let stupid people have smart phones?

first post and signs

Hey everyone who's reading my blog(which i doubt will be any). This is Blog Asylum where all my insane blogs go. A little bit about me(although i doubt anyone cares). I'm a girl and I'm 15.  I will not tell you my name cause I don't trust you guys.  I hope to write funny blogs at least once a week although I don't expect many people to like it. I'm a very pesimistic person as you have probably noticed. For my first post I will tell you guys a story.

Signs

Ok, so as you may or may not know Borders is going out of business. If you don't know then you've probably never been to it so you probably don't know it's a book store which means you probably never read so I don't know why your reading this. If you have been to Borders but you don't know it's going out of business then you should crawl out from under your rock. Anyways, as I was saying Borders is going out of business and since my dad loves getting things at cheaper prices we went there. When we got there Borders stood out with the big yellow "we're going out of business" sign. As we went in things became very clear with the hundreds, and I'm not kidding there really was hundreds of going out of business signs. There were tons hanging from the ceiling, taped to the bookshelves, and on the walls. I have to wonder how much this costs. Is it buying all of these signs that cause Borders to go out of business? If so I can imagine how that went.

Assistant to Mr. Person who owns Borders: Sir, Borders is almost bankrupt. There's only a few thousand dollars left. What should we do?

Mr. Person who owns Borders: You know what we should do. We should spend the rest of the money to buy going out of business signs so that we go bankrupt instead of trying to save the company.

Assistant: Are you sure sir.

Mr. Person who owns Borders: Of course I'm sure.

Assistant: Ok sir. *leaves room*

Mr. Person who owns Borders: *evil laugh* Now my plan is Complete. *shape shifts into the person who owns Barnes and Noble* Now with Borders going bankrupt, everyone will shop at Barnes and Noble. We'll be the best book store in the world and everyone who isn't an idiot and can read will shop there. *looks under desk at the real person who owns Borders who is tied up and gagged* What are you gonna do now. *evil laugh*

Real Mr. Person who owns Borders: *muffled speaking*


And that's why I think Borders went out of business. Now all i have to do is convince the police this, although last time i ended up in a white room in a straight jacket.

On another note who the hell names a book store Barnes and Noble.


Before the end of this post and every other one I will have a question of the day. Todays question is:

Why is it called assistant?

You know why. I bet you don't. Well since I'm such a generous person I'll tell you. It's cause an assistant kisses ass a lot.